Chemo treatment 8/10

I got up before 6 am this morning to shower and get kids ready to go where they were going while Aidan & I went to the hospital for chemo. I got the kids to friends' houses/sitters and Aidan & I stopped at McDonalds AND Starbucks on our way to the hospital. Anything to keep spirits up. And it started well. When it was Aidan's turn to have his vitals taken, he was playful. He weighed his shoes before stepping on the scale himself and joked about his height. I haven't seen that side of him on treatment day for a while and it made me happy. We played Spot It in the waiting room and we were having a lot of fun. When it came time to access his port-a-cath his mood dipped a little. He didn't put up as much of a fight as he has in the past, but didn't make it easy, either. He's so sensitive to smells right now that the wipes they use to clean his tubing make him gag and almost vomit. He had a Dum Dum in his mouth, but it didn't seem to help. Still, things were ok when we returned to the waiting room. But by the time we went back to see the doctor, Aidan was completely shut down. I had to practically carry him into the exam room. He curled into a ball on the little couch and made it really difficult for the doctor to examine him. He refused to answer questions and made rude remarks when we spoke to him. Back in the waiting room awaiting the chemo, he completely lost it. He sat on the ground and banged his head on the couch I was sitting on. Over and over. He had a bright red mark on his forehead and one on his nose, but he continued to do it and I didn't have the physical strength to fight him. I tried talking to him about it, but he got less and less receptive as we sat there. I tried every trick I had up my sleeve. I take some of the same games & entertainment to every appointment, plus I try to add some new things each time. He was angry and resistant to all of my suggestions. By the time the nurse came out with the IV pump Aidan was on the floor and I had a very difficult time getting him on the couch where she could reach his tubing. It was a miserable 20-30 minutes while he got his chemo, and de-accessing his port was a crying, fighting experience. I was almost in tears myself.

These days take a lot out of both of us. We had to go to Fred Meyer on our way home - he wanted to go so he could get the action figure I had promised him. He was starting to feel better emotionally, and I was melting down. I fought back tears in the checkout line. At home he was ok for a while, then he broke down over nothing and sobbed in my arms for quite a while. He ended up running around with his brothers playing in the backyard and we snuggled and watched Curious George before bed. I told him after prayers that I wish I could have cancer instead of him. He told me that he's glad it's him because then he gets to go to the hospital with me instead of me going by myself while he stays with babysitters and dad goes to work.